Thoughts on Being. Hoping to Be.

precarity. difference. institutions. systems.

Woven together create the shittest of all feelings.

 

Promises. Hopes. Longings. Thoughts.

Said before but no longer take root, nor show.

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What did Eve-Hawaa feel..

They look for signs where there are not,
Fate in the fateless,
I would rather spend a day in supposed sin,
Then allow an eternity in which we all
Explained our misdeed.
What can you not see?
This is me not creating a “wrong” destiny.

There is some pattern here emerging,
This is life washed anew – clean,
Strange because it’s yet to be seen.

Why, of why are you and I still searching?
The magnitude of life has arrived.
Why must we let it escape us?
Why let it break us?
Why allow it to submit us to a lifetime of woeful cries?

I had travelled a broken path.
Unsure, a bore, devoid of hope,
My faith flickering, it’s breath becoming short.

*A quick flash report*
Heaven’s call?
An evening’s meeting – soulmates greeting.
A goodlier soul I had never saw.
My opposite and my composite,
And I his…

Our lifetimes unfolded before us,
Our hands clasped,
Our love righteously sanctioned,
We stumbled fresh-eyed, forward, frolicking in good fun…

I saw us enter the frame,
Shots I had ceased long ago to entertain.
My discipline caused shock and mistrust,
I was forever, it seemed, unsure of us, – of you.
Or does that by extension include me too?

Believe me darling,
trust the faith that I aim to keep sacred,
our lies to ourselves were destructive,
but worse still was the inability to confess and seek absolution,
as we did in those halcyon days,
idyllic students of life, philosophy and faith,
seeking to love and be loved,
with rules and formalities being only worldly capitalist constructs,
that cause schisms and competitions that have us comparing,
ourselves and each other to those younger and more fruitful.
For we only have apples.

But love those apples again,
love that we had them in abundance.
They can be soft and supple or strong and versatile,
Like them our skills and application knows no bounds.
So please would you remain strong and stop looking at the ground!

Why must I always soothe? Why can you not see this is the truth?
I would rather build the world with you, then compare us to someone else’s version of the truth.
I would rather strive to understand the life we had and could create,
Than think about what is at stake for imagined futures that only God can dictate.

But if you wish to leave me.
If what I did was so devastating.
Even though you partook in the severance.
Take these parting truths;

For me you’re always the brightest of hues
My words remain strong in defence of your soul.. our soul.
Even now that we are not whole.
I feel somehow lost and devoid of mine hope…
I wonder mili-second-ly, do you now feel equally cast-out of heaven’s call?
Are you to begin a dynasty, without me?
That then renders me inessential;
Both of use yet obsolete.
To be known only by the terms that you dictate?

My part in this silly, emotional, unclean.
My curiosity and seeking a boon,
This quick mind empathising with that hurt that you seem to cater inside,
Feelings of being discarded, left short, emasculated…
Oh but I should stop here.
For your ears can only but hear,
Your hurt causes you to stop your feelings,
short of understanding and communicating.
I will live out my days here now,
binding the air and our lives in misdeeds.

Out of love taking the hurt and wrong,
until the day you take me back where I belong.