I wrote the last post exactly two months ago. Sat on a cold, dirty bedroom floor, in my love’s new home. Unable to sleep all night. Unable to get over our terribly stifled late-night fight. Amy Winehouse’s lyrics continually swam in my head towards the end of ‘the us’. So, all that was left was for me to pen this eulogy to our love. To also cathartically let my jealous, annoyed, “disproportionally- reacting” female self let her raw hurt and betrayal flow out, without any conscious stifling from me. No oppression to my creativity will ever be allowed, henceforth.
My love, will forever be that I am sure. For I cannot go back and I cannot move forth. I am stuck in this mire. But I am sure I will come to accept unrelinquished desires as the days move on. As I have come to terms with the fact that my hurt doesn’t extend to third party involvement, rather the way in which my ex-partner chooses to conduct himself with no remorse, selfish love, no mirrored thought and action*. All of which just reminds me that life is too short and I must allow some part of me to move on.
*disclaimer – It took only a day and a half for me to realise I selfishly let my destructive intent, colour others invisible intentions. Meaning I’m sure my love is not selfish, maybe I am forever doomed to be a wanton victim who’s dancing between freedom and enveloping selves.