Unholy War. Float Away. Reconsider. Realise. Goodbye.

Some unholy war lyrics in my head

It all floats away like blossom in water

Like blossom in spring
It all floats away
Disintegrates

Like the eyes of field mice
Your stares cut me to ice

[Yours glitter like snow crystals
Full of the same filled promises
that lay unfilled
in my sink
of dirty dishes]

Yours irises dilate
her cheeks flush and blush
smiles dance
new loves romance

those eyes that loved me
that saw me
but a blissful moment ago
have turned and found it’s opposite desire

Like the eyes of magpies
She stares, you stare;
I’m reminded of your lies


My brain turns to fire
my voice cracks higher.

My opposites eyes dance
likewise mine
at this silent tennis match

Your repartees extend in time
find yet obscurer lines
shutting us out
as you seek a new supple mouth.

I reach out I speak.
I know I don’t have the reach.

I ask you (re)consider.
I pledge my liver.
Mama always said I was “too-much-of-a-giver”.

Don’t lie.
Please don’t fight.
I can’t take your dishonesty.
I can’t take yet more frugality, I don’t care for false fealty.

Just be fair, just stand,
Take this unconditional help
Build thyself
Embrace that inner man
With whose dreams you allowed my life to entwine

  just love. just stay.

Don’t make haste.

I don’t need you to be brave.

I want to support, love, honour and obey.
To Help You when You Sway.

As you do so now
Do you really have to let me drown?

Stop, think, consider.
Will anyone ever love you (or us) any dearer?

or else give me back my lungs,
and all the odes of you and us they sung
return my thoughts,
for they have gotten hoarse
help me build my forsaken boats
don’t sail away with flattered eyes
leaving mine in gangrened moats

give back my heart,
take back your feeble darts
Dost thou still have my soul?
Does it stay corked and gray?
While you and she yearn to maul?
when I am gone – that blissful day.

give back my eyes
you cannot quench these eternal cries

and finally my liver
so that I may live cleaner.

——

I hope when you realise all this,
Of the betrayal you committed
so painfully slow
i hope it was worth it

for every morning, noon and night
that you all conversed on Skype
for every moment I spent looking over
for every coarse word I uttered and apologised for forever
for all this hurt and betrayal you allowed me to commit against myself

i hope that when you are both in bed
metaphorical and literal
that it’s worth it 

That those eyes that you give her
those smiles
those shiny nuggets of you, your life
those attentive beautiful ears

those large comforting hands
that bat me away to whatever land

that you both have that life you deserve

build on my suggestive care and hope,
the future I keep alive for us both
I hope you enjoy it all as you make me travel back

as you cut me off. 

while I go to save pennies and make myself a success
as I keep to The Plan
like always. Ain’t that the mark of a true Man?

I stick to the regiment that you drilled out
attentively listened and yielding to your sound judgment

but you run from anything i utter
in any which way it is given.
yet you cannot fully cut yourself off
for deep down you know this is that one-in-a-lifetime love.

So give her that Hug, that Smile, that Kiss, that Mr Nice.
Let them all see that image that the World half-believes.
The one that I looked beyond but still allowed to cut into My Heart with a cleave.

 (Written 19th/20th August 2015)

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