So… I was a bad unproductive person. Online that is. For the last 4 nights.
There is no excuse big enough for dropping out, because as someone says “If something is important enough you make time for it!” . Therefore, I guess, using that logic I deemed me, my online persona/career-building and my writing less important than what was happing around me. This is in-excusable really.
So this is just a post to say “SHIT!” and “I’m sorry” – which is just my Englishness coming through, because in all honesty I’m not *that* sorry. But still, convention dictates I must say these two words a million times a day, not only because I am English, but because I’m British. I’m a woman. I’m a woman of colour. I’m working class. I have a confusing, inter-linked, inter-sectional identity that is hard to find out there in the world. So if I don’t say these words, I won’t be able to get any better. I won’t be able to learn from my mistakes. I will never learn to associate this shame for letting myself and others like me down and this shame to something greater. So that should I ever stop or think I am going to fail in the tasks I set myself, I am then reminded of this frankly annoying and unproductive bit of writing that I MUST do.
The reason I say must is because I have been reading more of Bickham’s “The 38 Most Common Fiction Writing Mistakes (And how to avoid them)” . In his book or published wisdom, he has set this task of simply writing a big sorry letter to oneself explaining why you failed in writing everyday / every week whatever time limit you have set yourself. Not only so you can identify common themes that may need to be addressed in your life, but also so that you learn that simply forgetting to write, or thinking you shouldn’t write due to lack of inspiration or whatever excuse we all fling up, doesn’t mean you don’t write. If anything you keep writing. You must. Even if it is utter crap, or cathartic meandering as this post is fast becoming. So that the skill is kept honed in. I liken it to those evenings when you think – “Nah I don’t wanna cook”, but you end up doing everything around the cooking process, plating, washing-up, clearing, spending time ordering and thinking of taste combinations, flavouring, what you have in the fridge or cupboard that may go with it. If anything having a cheeky lazy “No cook dinner” evening is anything but de-stressful. Though, maybe that is simply a personal response from someone who admittedly is a bit compulsive or obsessive when it comes to planning.
That’s another thing. So I guess I don’t need to mention. It has been a melancholic weekend right. Not only that it was a bittersweet weekend for me. I had an old friend – my bestie over, I then went out with two of my bestest friends and a bunch of new friends. I attended the cool Though Bubble comic convention with a weekend pass that I will no doubt return to next year in an adjacent city. But well, I guess I haven’t really come to terms with how I am feeling personally or politically. I know there is no compulsion from anyone for me to sort that out. But I feel compelled to do so, for myself.
A crazy road lays ahead. One I know I will stalk individually but not alone. My only hope is that there is more thought, more reflection, more communication than ill-informed actions.
#Peace #Love #Contentment and #Appreciation of Humanity and your loved ones. Also #Hashtag – Coz seriously that is jokes!
( I don’t know why I ended talking like that. I’m afraid my brain is still a bit emotionally frazzled)