So yesterday was the last day of being a part of the NoBloPoMo exercise and I knowingly missed it. Not to say I had nothing prepared, I had lots. But I refrained. As I start to look outward at the communities around me, as I populate this site with my knowledge and knowing of the truths I see, the problems I wish to tackle.. I am left with more than a little amount of anxiety and procrastination.

I am searching for authority, but like with most who search for knowledge and are seen by some to be holders of it, I run from the double-edged sword that I know dangles above me.

So instead here is a monologue I prepared at the start of yesterday morning to share with you all.

This is me talking to a gendered other to my own feminine self. For those of you who know me, would know that I have spent the better part of the last 18 months struggling with some characters (whittled down to three), who will form the basis of a piece of writing that I will no doubt come back to time and time again.

This writing, comic, graphic novel, play, whatever it will be in the end has a theme that is close to my heart and a thread that seems to have been unravelling within me for centuries.

As I run through life searching for truths, good company, great conversation and playfulness I am returning to the site of creation and my talk with the Almighty Creator.

This is not my monologue to God. But one to the character that I see before me, fully formed and a reflection of the binary in which I am situated, but as yet unknown to my conscious.

You’re fun because you keep my mind sharp.

I like intelligence, intellect and playfulness above all in a man

But I think there’s too much introspection in you right now..

Which is endearing and fun, but well I’ve done my fair share of introspection, not to say I don’t do it anymore, I think we’re all pre-disposed to periods of great deeper analysis, but after it or even within it there’s this huge freedom for fun. To play with this new character, this mask we are breaking in. As Shakespeare says the worlds a stage and we are but players…

That’s another thing, I think you use quotes to distance, for me, communication is key above all, so why would I use “a” long winded quotes that drop many people off their seats and “b” out of general knowledge or notice of a great many of the public. I guess I’m a through-and-through sociologist, and culturalist, but knowledge is greater gathered when shared, there’s power in it but individual power for me is no great interest. Collective power is where my mind sparks.

But like I said, you’re still fun. You spark me a little at times. But I guess, no I know my guard is up a little and I don’t fully know why. Well I think I have a surface understanding..

The closest I can come to is this;

A. You’re the first Asian guy I’ve been in a date with – call me a bounty or what you will.. But let’s just say I haven’t had the best of experience with Asian men, no great fondness for how I’ve been treated in the past. You make fun of these people after 6 months you should try wading through this mire during you’re “formative phase” . Especially when cultural divisionary tactics have been or are being employed, with the best of intentions no doubt, but all the same…

A. But I concede you are different from the general ilk, but not so sure how different and to what degree, let’s just say knowledge and perceptions learnt are hard to turn.

B. There’s haste in you. 

C. You’re at a most introspective change and it seems you have to or you wish to do it alone, nay perhaps you ought to and have to. But at the same time, you’re lonely, maybe scared at times, you want company but don’t know how to ask or even consider it. I mean really ask, not blunt questioning and throwaway cliched lines. 

I mean whose to say you’re my only resource for play? 

Like I said I like , intelligence, intellect and playfulness. Intelligence you have, intellect of some sort but it’s hard for me to ascertain. Intellect is a more intuitive quality for me. It’s passion, it’s reason, agreeableness, profound understanding of the self and of the collective around us. I think you could have these qualities, but atm your focus is not here and you can be a very focused myopic sorta guy. Dog with a bone if you will ;P

To return to the juxtaposition of platonic friends and a good fuck, for me that doesn’t occur. That binary. Neither is it one I want to perpetuate. If it’s how you take to understand the world around you that’s great in which case I would say for now I am a platonic friend to you. But you are not taking into account my viewpoint and that’s dangerous. 

You say you want someone who can challenge you, like that’s the one in some sense for you.. But I think it’s a throwaway line, I know because I say that line. I say it with conviction.. Conviction and consideration. It’s a trope you haven’t considered or had much experience with. One you feel you will be right for but still remain unsure. 

True challenging and communal learning, hmm I can say much, about parents without love, of love as desire or love as pure acceptance, trust, kindness, the beauty in hurt and protection. The fear of expectation and judgement. The power of the collective sentences we daily dole out. There’s a lot there to unpack. I’m sure one day it will, but I will take it slow. Fate plays a huge part in this. 

For now let’s just say you’re not ready to play there yet. Like a warrior you have to know what arms you are bringing to the arena. And yes I use warlike terms, like is a struggle, a battle you, we, all of us would be remiss to think it is not. Whether it is a clamour for power, economies, knowledge, great truths or peace you need to fight for that space, the right to do so. Even men. But above all whether you believe in God or not there’s a part we play in the war for being judged kindly and for ultimate and felt acceptance.

But turning to more micro-level thinking over the macro, more manageable thoughts and actions; Theres the bigger viewpoint that applies here that I find missing a little that of playfulness, I guess in broad terms I’m a sapiosexual and been known to be a bit of an empath.. Okay maybe a huge one. Not to say I haven’t had instances of dicking around but they don’t agree with me. 

I’ve had 5 years with a great guy for whom I was willing to give up a lot, but not my parents and I held on desperately to both.. We are still great friends BFFs if you will. There is also grudging acceptance of his role as friend from my family and nothing but pure love and understanding in his heart for them. I’m not, nor do I think I will ever be at a place like that again. But those amongst some others are the important people in my life. My passion and my strife. My mind boggles at the way I can know and learn from them. With you there’s a curiosity that’s shrieking but also a quietness in me that I do find very alarming. 

Are you narcissistic?

Are you a bit fake right now?

Am I seeing the you that you display at home?

The you that you display to God?

After all this is me. Truly, this is me right now, why would I not show you who I am? I do not hide it from God and god’s sight for me, his knowledge and judgement are my greatest truths , the forms of which will hurt and guide me. So why would I not be that in front of others?

To end, just because I do not share all I think, or my communication may be marred with judgement over others or my listener sometimes does not mean I do not think big. I guess I am still processing my ability to share to become known again. But for me the macro, the philosophical pondering, the introspection is a personal thing. Not to say I won’t listen and help others process or allow others to help me process mine. But I have a base right now. Maybe in some sense I am looking for a larger base. But I’m not going to invite every Tom dick and Harry, especially Harry into this minefield straightaway 😛

To add after 30min break:

I don’t think you were interested in knowing last time but if being known, and I was content to listen and provide the tools for you to further your thoughts. Perhaps it had something to do with going away, coming back and feeling like you may lose that internal love and spark you just felt at home. Perhaps. I can possibly do more than conjecture.

But introspection to be fair, I see and feel everywhere. My family is full of them, it must be some great Pakistani or south Asian epidemic, but individual introspection and attainment can lead to collective disappointment t I have found in my experience. It is very easy for individual attainment and understanding to breed wider discouragement, misunderstanding and mistrust.