Tools of violence

Identity violence

Symbolic violence

Communication violence

Historic violence

Revisionist violence

Repetitive violence

Infantilising violence

Nostalgic violence

Communication violence

Prejudiced violence

Tiring violence

Destructive violence

Sexual violence

Gendered violence

Religious violence

Spiritual violence

Class violence

Linguistic violence

Colourist violence

Male violence

White male violence

Co-opting violence

Toxic violence

Co-opted toxic violence

Ideological violence

Paternalistic violence

Patriarchal violence

Symbolically patriarchal violence

Promotional violence

Just violence

Violence violence

Tiring violence

Too tired coz I’m broken and it’s the result of all the above and more violence

Mental violence

Inferred violence

Implicit violence

Bright-eyed violence

Broken souls violence

The once you had bright eyes but then you got co-opted and are stuck but still need peeps and I get it but don’t you get that I get it, so why you gotta erase the stuff we excavate and stop us entering and flinging open the doors-no revision check, not open the doors break all these fracking symbolic capitalistic colonial walls – so that we can all evolve together and your tired eyes can weep and rejoice in celebration with us all, bold beautiful and brave and bound to the forward March of completing our shared ancestors abolitionist principles and journeys to create a new fair fresh deprogrammed society so we keep being we and us, and you and me, happy and free together… urgh! Gah! For f***! *sigh* but you can’t and that’s violent, violence.

So instead here we stand. Ina pyramid and I keep trying to educate and create and collate and collaborate while we survive and you thrive but I don’t even cry coz I’m proud inside that at least someone who got one part of our ancestral spirit souls good side to the table where it’s all about whose there to dine, and whose outside… not about our fellow people who die and are also pushed towards pipelines to die. Whether quickly or slowly, that’s for us all to see with our eyes.

I’m too tired to speak, so I’ll leave it to that… and sleeps for the night.


Life so far… Returning to the place of my awakening construction

So I have returned to snowy Yorkshire after a rollercoaster 3 1/2 day, 3 night return to London. No matter what is said by people from all walks of life about this place and how many times I leave, or come to the realisation that this place just isn’t for me, right now, for many, many reasons.. I cannot think of anywhere else that I feel more like myself. Rather, where I am more able to be confronted by myself and thus allowed some time to consider life and myself.

A great woman in this city taught me many pearls of wisdom. The ones I keep returning to often are those related to family, friends and religion. After all, like the age-old saying goes, “You can choose your friends but not your family”. I’m just struck by how many times and how many people, well-meaningly may attach themselves to or try to help other people but where does this boundary blur?

Often it is when morals, spirituality, religion or received wisdom is discussed. By our natures, we humans are beings who are constantly learning and trying to evolve, in some way or form. But I think when one is overcome with pride over their own ways of understanding the world they fall quickly into greed. It’s greedy to want more than your two hands, two feets, brain and life allows. We are all given one life (arguably). It is only the two God-given hands and feet, our brain, our heart and understanding of our selves that we can and should have any control over. But when you over-ride another’s life or impinge on it in anyway, your committing a grave ill, sin-like. It’s pride and greed rolled into one. Now don’t mistake me, I am not saying that in this case we should all be individuals well and truly and have no interaction. After all by our natures, and especially mine, we are social beings and collectively attempt to understand and construct life and knowledges around us.

Part of this is the age-old awareness-advice-experimentation-attainment model. Say for example, the issue is not being consistently productive over writing, you first have to become aware of the issue, why it’s happening, what can be done etc. Then you may go to someone to discuss it, or even write/call/text/skype to someone or even to yourself t received or form relevant advice, say for example “Write everyday no matter how big or small. don’t look to always having a finished product or polished argument”. Experiement then ensues, as the phrase suggests, you (or I) try this out.. whether it be the exact advice or a reworking of it and others to fit the lifestyle of the person with the issues. Then hopefully some sense of achievement, overcoming or feeling of attainment is left at the end or during the more fruitful days of experimentation.

But when helpful advice, from a place of caring turns into judgement, competition and over-riding another’s god-given right to process and become who the hell they are meant to. You are intervening on something larger than yourself and it is not your place. Yes a discussion, the start of dialogue is welcome and should always be open, I mean even the Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) invited people to ask questions and try and make sense of any commands or the way life should be lived. Communication and the striving for awareness is key and central to our life’s agenda, is it not? If we did not need others to be sane or live our lives, we would all be borne into islands with no social, cultural or religious constructs. As one wise woman said “Even if the way the religion is done annoys me, I was born into it. God choose to make me one of these people, I can’t turn away completely”.


once, ‘people come and go,

#NaBloPoMo #30

So yesterday was the last day of being a part of the NoBloPoMo exercise and I knowingly missed it. Not to say I had nothing prepared, I had lots. But I refrained. As I start to look outward at the communities around me, as I populate this site with my knowledge and knowing of the truths I see, the problems I wish to tackle.. I am left with more than a little amount of anxiety and procrastination.

I am searching for authority, but like with most who search for knowledge and are seen by some to be holders of it, I run from the double-edged sword that I know dangles above me.

So instead here is a monologue I prepared at the start of yesterday morning to share with you all.

This is me talking to a gendered other to my own feminine self. For those of you who know me, would know that I have spent the better part of the last 18 months struggling with some characters (whittled down to three), who will form the basis of a piece of writing that I will no doubt come back to time and time again.

This writing, comic, graphic novel, play, whatever it will be in the end has a theme that is close to my heart and a thread that seems to have been unravelling within me for centuries.

As I run through life searching for truths, good company, great conversation and playfulness I am returning to the site of creation and my talk with the Almighty Creator.

This is not my monologue to God. But one to the character that I see before me, fully formed and a reflection of the binary in which I am situated, but as yet unknown to my conscious.

You’re fun because you keep my mind sharp.

I like intelligence, intellect and playfulness above all in a man

But I think there’s too much introspection in you right now..

Which is endearing and fun, but well I’ve done my fair share of introspection, not to say I don’t do it anymore, I think we’re all pre-disposed to periods of great deeper analysis, but after it or even within it there’s this huge freedom for fun. To play with this new character, this mask we are breaking in. As Shakespeare says the worlds a stage and we are but players…

That’s another thing, I think you use quotes to distance, for me, communication is key above all, so why would I use “a” long winded quotes that drop many people off their seats and “b” out of general knowledge or notice of a great many of the public. I guess I’m a through-and-through sociologist, and culturalist, but knowledge is greater gathered when shared, there’s power in it but individual power for me is no great interest. Collective power is where my mind sparks.

But like I said, you’re still fun. You spark me a little at times. But I guess, no I know my guard is up a little and I don’t fully know why. Well I think I have a surface understanding..

The closest I can come to is this;

A. You’re the first Asian guy I’ve been in a date with – call me a bounty or what you will.. But let’s just say I haven’t had the best of experience with Asian men, no great fondness for how I’ve been treated in the past. You make fun of these people after 6 months you should try wading through this mire during you’re “formative phase” . Especially when cultural divisionary tactics have been or are being employed, with the best of intentions no doubt, but all the same…

A. But I concede you are different from the general ilk, but not so sure how different and to what degree, let’s just say knowledge and perceptions learnt are hard to turn.

B. There’s haste in you. 

C. You’re at a most introspective change and it seems you have to or you wish to do it alone, nay perhaps you ought to and have to. But at the same time, you’re lonely, maybe scared at times, you want company but don’t know how to ask or even consider it. I mean really ask, not blunt questioning and throwaway cliched lines. 

I mean whose to say you’re my only resource for play? 

Like I said I like , intelligence, intellect and playfulness. Intelligence you have, intellect of some sort but it’s hard for me to ascertain. Intellect is a more intuitive quality for me. It’s passion, it’s reason, agreeableness, profound understanding of the self and of the collective around us. I think you could have these qualities, but atm your focus is not here and you can be a very focused myopic sorta guy. Dog with a bone if you will ;P

To return to the juxtaposition of platonic friends and a good fuck, for me that doesn’t occur. That binary. Neither is it one I want to perpetuate. If it’s how you take to understand the world around you that’s great in which case I would say for now I am a platonic friend to you. But you are not taking into account my viewpoint and that’s dangerous. 

You say you want someone who can challenge you, like that’s the one in some sense for you.. But I think it’s a throwaway line, I know because I say that line. I say it with conviction.. Conviction and consideration. It’s a trope you haven’t considered or had much experience with. One you feel you will be right for but still remain unsure. 

True challenging and communal learning, hmm I can say much, about parents without love, of love as desire or love as pure acceptance, trust, kindness, the beauty in hurt and protection. The fear of expectation and judgement. The power of the collective sentences we daily dole out. There’s a lot there to unpack. I’m sure one day it will, but I will take it slow. Fate plays a huge part in this. 

For now let’s just say you’re not ready to play there yet. Like a warrior you have to know what arms you are bringing to the arena. And yes I use warlike terms, like is a struggle, a battle you, we, all of us would be remiss to think it is not. Whether it is a clamour for power, economies, knowledge, great truths or peace you need to fight for that space, the right to do so. Even men. But above all whether you believe in God or not there’s a part we play in the war for being judged kindly and for ultimate and felt acceptance.

But turning to more micro-level thinking over the macro, more manageable thoughts and actions; Theres the bigger viewpoint that applies here that I find missing a little that of playfulness, I guess in broad terms I’m a sapiosexual and been known to be a bit of an empath.. Okay maybe a huge one. Not to say I haven’t had instances of dicking around but they don’t agree with me. 

I’ve had 5 years with a great guy for whom I was willing to give up a lot, but not my parents and I held on desperately to both.. We are still great friends BFFs if you will. There is also grudging acceptance of his role as friend from my family and nothing but pure love and understanding in his heart for them. I’m not, nor do I think I will ever be at a place like that again. But those amongst some others are the important people in my life. My passion and my strife. My mind boggles at the way I can know and learn from them. With you there’s a curiosity that’s shrieking but also a quietness in me that I do find very alarming. 

Are you narcissistic?

Are you a bit fake right now?

Am I seeing the you that you display at home?

The you that you display to God?

After all this is me. Truly, this is me right now, why would I not show you who I am? I do not hide it from God and god’s sight for me, his knowledge and judgement are my greatest truths , the forms of which will hurt and guide me. So why would I not be that in front of others?

To end, just because I do not share all I think, or my communication may be marred with judgement over others or my listener sometimes does not mean I do not think big. I guess I am still processing my ability to share to become known again. But for me the macro, the philosophical pondering, the introspection is a personal thing. Not to say I won’t listen and help others process or allow others to help me process mine. But I have a base right now. Maybe in some sense I am looking for a larger base. But I’m not going to invite every Tom dick and Harry, especially Harry into this minefield straightaway 😛

To add after 30min break:

I don’t think you were interested in knowing last time but if being known, and I was content to listen and provide the tools for you to further your thoughts. Perhaps it had something to do with going away, coming back and feeling like you may lose that internal love and spark you just felt at home. Perhaps. I can possibly do more than conjecture.

But introspection to be fair, I see and feel everywhere. My family is full of them, it must be some great Pakistani or south Asian epidemic, but individual introspection and attainment can lead to collective disappointment t I have found in my experience. It is very easy for individual attainment and understanding to breed wider discouragement, misunderstanding and mistrust. 


#NaBloPoMo 20 Surrogate – Job Applications & Career Aspirations

So working back in retail has been a very rewarding and interesting experience. Being on the frontline of the new launch of the first ever Westfield development outside of London, in my very own hometown Bradford, West Yorkshire..  has been a once-in-a-lifetime experience amazing! Reflecting on best practice and application of skills within a busy environment codes of best practice are being drawn and re-drawn daily, as the flow of people and goods has yet to find a organisational bed to lay in, is so my ‘cup o’ tea’. As i keep implementing new strategies to increase productivity within my team and the click and collect service I am responsible for.

However I am also increasingly aware of how much further I am walking away from my ultimate career goal, which is to be a researcher in the media production and it’s effects on cultural and gendered norms, within our wider global society. Especially as one of the mid-millennial generation, who has just  left the bustling metropolitan centre that is London, where it seemed opportunities were endless and I had a great network around me. Though I guess I still have those networks and communities, I guess I am finding it a little more difficult that I realised fitting back into the conservative and sometimes a little too harsh North. I mean only recently I was faced with disparaging comments about my potential knowledge of Star Wars, because I was “An Asian Lass”; my sexual orientation and sexuality, oh and general knowledge of Gay/Trans .. like please get to know me, my interests and affiliations please before you judge me for my looks and your prejudiced stereotypical notions. Oh but don’t fret I was the picture of charm itself while facing these and many, many more silly comments.

Silly is a little harsh I know, but I think it’s the best English idiom, as I am again faced with the same circles of “truthisms” and segregated knowledge and power struggles I faced as I grew up in the North.

Little instances that deny me access to cultural products or historical references, are just everyday cases of otherings that deny my personal narrative. They set me apart and call into question my journey to become a citizen and an individual, who faces the same struggles and mental processes as everyone else. Though I must say that it is normally men of a certain background who tend to display these thoughts and actions, maybe it has more to do with patriarchy?

Oh well, I do love to rise to a challenge. Plus, I cannot claim to be part of the movement of “Equality for all” if I don’t work to change prejudices on an everyday micro-level. Above all and especially when I feel most despairing, I must rise with poise, professionally and perfectly formed intuitive retorts to stand my feminist ground.

Also, quick bit of good related news,  I have been spending hours, especially before and after work, study and gym applying for positions with educational environments. I know I have the passion, drive and enthusiasm for learning spaces and supporting fellow students of life, if only I could get an interview. *Fingers crossed and lots of prayers* please 🙂

Is love dead?

I keep coming back to this idea that love as we know it is silly, trite and majorly dead. There is such a silencing of love. It’s like we’re so desensitized to it. We can’t even think about it. To see it. To feel it. Yet we can feel that great aching gap within us.

In my experience people do one of two things. You will either run after affection, the manifestation of love. The symbols, the semiotic language, the signifiers, the gift, the ring, the full blown kiss. The small acts of kindness and worth that we are told make life worthwhile. Like time must be measured and judged, so by extension all else around you must be too.


You will accept the gaping hole. “Run from love” for want of a better phrase. As someone who seldom does this or fits this trajectory, it’s hard to write about it. My privilege is such. But please let me try if I can. These emotions are those “dark ones”, the ones we have all felt. But nastier. Ones who follow this path aren’t just running from love, no, they are assimilating the worst manifestations. You become a steadfast rock, a pragmatic, dark, harsh person. Internalising, moulding, battering love into some submission to “reality”. Neglecting, hurting, in short treating Love with such disdain it and you get an entire complex problem.

Now to be perfectly honest, I for one and most people I have observed tend to sway between the two. Some lucky people can even feel both categories of love and emotion at the same time. At this juncture, I don’t know perfectly what it is that needs to be conveyed or answered. My thoughts are still stuck on the fact that “Love” cannot be “love” as we know it. Even though we are so connected, even if I may have a million ways to contact the person I love. I still cannot and must not. I have been told and I have scolded myself many times. This is all so that I adhere to what is best for me. (I think).

Perhaps it should be self-love that I run behind. That is after all what all the literature, historic texts, songs and countless media tell me to do. Maybe it is my soul and my heart and my head that are out of sync. The “holy trinity” that exists within me is off kilter. And yet, somehow, I cannot shake the feeling, that deep socialist remnants, the Grecian* cartesian idea that the trinity exists in reality within a community. That it is not the internal soul, but that which exists surrounding the soul that needs to be fixed.

But what do we do, when the social, the society, the mirrored duo refuses to listen and you cannot say directly the knowledge you are picking up? How can you adequately be true to your own self, strong and yet patient in waiting for a mirrored action and sign? How long would that even be for?

Or is that yet another ‘level of reality’ as Hartmann would say? Another manifestation of some other Fate unfolding?

….I guess I must let the hands unfurl as they may.

(*much, much older than that though! Deeper in the world too. )