I should say, after all this is to an audience, just by the mere fact that it is online, that I am at the moment going through a process of cathartic writing.
Since I last did anything, (which was granted a hell of a while) I have moved back to my birthplace in Yorkshire. Living amongst the same family I spend the past 15 years trying to escape. I have begun a Masters in Gender Studies at University of Leeds.
It [studying] reduced me to a snivelling, emotional wreck crying down the phone to my best friend and ‘complicated’ confidant. So yeah. That is how life is. I’m more homesick than I have ever been in my life. At times missing aspects of the life I lived not so long ago. While/ although barely two seconds later I know I don’t and shouldn’t.
In short I am very quick at rationalising that, the life I miss also made me unhappy at times and is not one I want to continue into the future. I am very happy to say bye to that Mariam that existed but a short while ago. Perhaps I am scared of meeting the new Mariam who will come along. I’m definitely worried who she might scare off, cut away and how she will act. This new life is an intimidating new book. One I don’t want to start because the last one is still too fresh in my mind and brings too many emotions to my heart.