White male violence
Co-opted toxic violence
Symbolically patriarchal violence
Too tired coz I’m broken and it’s the result of all the above and more violence
Broken souls violence
The once you had bright eyes but then you got co-opted and are stuck but still need peeps and I get it but don’t you get that I get it, so why you gotta erase the stuff we excavate and stop us entering and flinging open the doors-no revision check, not open the doors break all these fracking symbolic capitalistic colonial walls – so that we can all evolve together and your tired eyes can weep and rejoice in celebration with us all, bold beautiful and brave and bound to the forward March of completing our shared ancestors abolitionist principles and journeys to create a new fair fresh deprogrammed society so we keep being we and us, and you and me, happy and free together… urgh! Gah! For f***! *sigh* but you can’t and that’s violent, violence.
So instead here we stand. Ina pyramid and I keep trying to educate and create and collate and collaborate while we survive and you thrive but I don’t even cry coz I’m proud inside that at least someone who got one part of our ancestral spirit souls good side to the table where it’s all about whose there to dine, and whose outside… not about our fellow people who die and are also pushed towards pipelines to die. Whether quickly or slowly, that’s for us all to see with our eyes.
I’m too tired to speak, so I’ll leave it to that… and sleeps for the night.
So apparently journeying to York, (beautiful “city” two towns over), even for the purposes of self-improvement and intellectual betterment is really impressive! Especially to one of the key respondents who luckily journeyed back to Bradford with me on the train!
Amazing day, totally helpful to my thesis topic. Hope supervisor Dr. Sayyid will be okay with me opening self up to other topics and adjacent conversations. All though does remind me I have a long, long, way to go! If only I could quit work and family to concentrate solely on myself. Oh well, too late to turn back now.
I want you. I need you.
These ties run so deep.
I feel so ignored.
Yet I haven’t even begun to speak.
These screams within.
Every missed dose of you,
Feels like a fresh hit.
I see other’s like us,
Do you see them too?
So blissfully “true”
Colourful within a grayscaled milieu.
I can’t help thinking, wondering, seething,
What was wrong with me and you?
Life keeps happening,
The world keeps revolving,
What would you think of all this that I am learning?
Crazy long day – feel dead and drained and I’m in no way prepared for the mess that will be tomorrow. MA class (not done my reading!) then shifts in another store, as part of my new job! The need to keep balancing between love of learning and money to keep learning, is a hard journey to navigate through.
Sorry for rant. I’m just going to keep it sweet by posting some stuff I re-(discovered) on my phone. Not what I’m feeling right now, but I’m slowing getting over the emotions, anxiety and people-pleasing tendencies that kept me from sharing my words.
Title: Couplet (date: 06.10.15)
I love you, but I love me more,
in reality; its a falsified bore.
How can anyone be without another,
One will always live as Cartesian succour.
Title: Leaving. Learning. Life. Losing? (date: 28.09.15)
Emotional. Weeping This day
hits me. Travelling waiting my
breath deceives me. Sick of
this sickness that ails me. Sick
and… Tired of the wishing and
wanting that is snatched from
me. Backward facing travel in a
glittering life. How much
longer will u/I hide?
Tired of the wanting that is snatched from me.
Wishing against wishes that hopes weren’t constant dreams.